Tortured Soul Chapter 1: Part One: F….ing Journal

Look at all these people, busy, in a rush, smiling, walking around with their simple, happy, tragic lives. Many of them completely unaware of anyone but themselves, so self consumed possibly never lifting a finger of their own for self sacrifice; disgusting really when you think about it. To them things all seem very simple; in fact easy. Life for me has never been easy though; it has been the very opposite and that has made all the difference in my life and not for the better either. I have spent my life sacrificing, sacrificing my life, my heart, my soul, my body, my sanity … everything I AM. Whatever it is that I AM…or shall I say have BECOME. But we will get into my car wreck of a life soon enough.

I’m, my name is … right now just call me M, yeah M is good enough for right now. My name is really irrelevant when we get down to it, the “it” or “thing” I am is the point of this journal. Self reflection is a bitch and I am sick of it already and I have just begun. Seeing who you really are … I am not afraid of anything, I have seen and experienced horrible things and yet I am afraid of what I am capable, no wait … I am afraid of what I have and continue to do; to myself and others.

Ring Ring Ring

Slightly lifting the pencil and tilting my head I let out a low sigh as the machine picks up the call.

“Hey, just pick up…you really need to stop screening and just answer your phone. No one calls you but me … ok fine, look you need to check in so get to it,” a familiar voice grumbled.

Taking this as a sign from … well someone. Slamming the journal shut, I made my way to the bathroom and straight to the shower.

One thing you will learn about me through all of this is that I am a pure perfectionist. My body is one of those instruments I have perfected … or should I say had perfected. Something’s are not in our control no matter how much we believe they are. We fight that on a daily basis … that struggle to be perfect, that struggle to “be all we can be”.

I have come to hate the bathroom … reason, there are mirrors in there … enough said.

After getting dressed, I headed for the elevator; praying that not another soul would join me on the ride down to the lobby. As you will see, I don’t like people … I really am not a fan of others. I prefer alone, fewer people get hurt that way.

Leaving the building, I headed straight for my car and went to “check in”.